Fortunately though, just because I haven’t been here talking about Jubbly Jive July does not mean it didn’t keep happening in ‘real life.’ I have actively maintained it and have felt pretty good about what I have been doing. And I am keeping up and building on these practices so that I can better manage these events in my life, because lets face it, I have to.

So what’s been working for me?

Firstly, maintaining a regular journaling practice has really helped. Through journaling I have been able to work through some of the bigger issues, and really start sorting my thoughts and emotional responses out. Journaling has better equipped me to be able to talk about what has been going on with those people around me who I chose to open up to. It has given me the words I need to ask for help and support. This is something I need to stay in my life, full stop.

Knitting has been really, really amazing. Not only have I learnt a new, useful skill, it is one that is slow and meditative. It can clear my mind, or at least slow it down, and that is incredibly helpful. It is also something to take a little pride in, and that’s a nice feeling (hey, it’s better than guilt!). I have also been able to knit my first ‘proper’ thing (a scarf I am knitting for myself) with a little intention and feeling; the scarf has become a manifestation of my intention to live my life in a different way. With each knit and purl and row I have thought about how I want to live my life and the person I want to be. It has given me something to turn to that is productive and creative and not destructive. It also got me to try something new, which was joining a knitting circle. I have been loving it! I found a group of knitting enthusiasts with a skill level that compliments my own and doesn’t make me feel intimidated. This is not the kind of thing I usually do, but the rewards are ten fold.

I have also made sure to spend more time in nature. I don’t know about you, but I get pretty down when I am not able to get out into nature. Even just sitting in my backyard, as I am doing now, has made a difference. (Lets just take a moment to thank the gods of wireless internet!). Lately I have been able to go to places that make me feel alive and connected and content. I got to hoop on a beach. I got to watch two Wedge Tailed Eagles soar in circles over my head. I took photos of what the early morning dew looks like on spider webs. I watched the moon rise up over the cliff face where my partner lived his childhood years. It felt great to be out there, and not stuffed up inside. I am truly thankful for these moments. They were so desperately wanted in the depths of my soul. I was able to feel refreshed after all of that!

I think, for me, Jubbly Jive July was really more like a turning point. It was the place where I stopped and said “enough!” and chose something different. It is not something that will end, but something that will develop. I think I will have it again next year, to chase away the winter blues and to remember; I choose joy. I choose to turn my back on depression. I choose to try something else. I am pretty proud of myself for that. It’s a big deal for me.

So I guess the big question now is; what next? Is my blog going to return to being a wasteland? Will I just revert back to my old habits? The answer is I don’t know. I mean, I certainly hope not. But, who can tell? I’d love to be one of these bloggers who is amazing and full of interesting stuff to post, but I think that is something I need to build up to. For now, I think I shall try to do one post a month along the lines of what I have been doing during Jubbly Jive July. This is an important journey for me to embark on, and I want to ensure it keeps happening!

As for you, little blog, I shall be back with some photos very soon (if not tonight) and a recipe this week. A recipe! I’m only going to hint at what the recipe is. First hint: it’s not for dieters. Second hint: it’s kind of evil. Third hint: it combines these things; chocolate, lollies, peanuts and marshmallows. If anyone guesses what I am talking about they will get a million brownie points. And perhaps, that terminology right there is the biggest hint yet…..

As it turns out, there is no way to continue into a depressive slump if you put on a silver mullet and purple feather boa and take photos of yourself on your webcam. It is quite impossible.

File that away under “Gee, I’m so hawt right now” and “things to do when I’m feeling shitty”.

Meanwhile, so far, Jubbly Jive July has been quite successful. I’ve done some creative stuff and some journaling that has helped me sift through some of the emotions I’ve been dealing with. I have become quite optimistic about what July is going to bring forth into my life. I have plans people, and they don’t involve bashing myself up or hurting myself. That is some awesome progress right there. Also, I’m trying to take some risks and connect with new people and old friends alike. I’m getting up early tomorrow to go to a knitting circle with some people I’m familiar with, but don’t really know. Eep! I’ve spent time with people I had disconnected with in the midst of my usual self-isolating weirdness. I’m continuing to open up about what I’m going through/have gone through and that really helps me feel less alone.

AND I’m actually making use of you, blogface. Yeah!

So that’s enough from me today. Well, enough writing anyway. You totally seem like you need more of this action though:

So obviously, I’m ill. Not the way I was expecting to begin Jubbly Jive July, but, when your body demands quiet, what else can you do?

So this affects what I can and can’t do to usher in the month. My hoop is still being neglected. My journal will not be. Nor is my ability to meditate gone. I’m going to get my craft supplies out and have a bit of a play with them.

And there’s too much awesome-sauce going on around the internets for me to not play online. We had the first Goddess Call at Goddess Guidebook this morning. I overslept, missing a good chunk of the call, but I was very happy to find everyone still there and chatting with the uber-vibrant Goddess Leonie. Um, amazing, wonderful, fantastic…..a million trillion good words could describe this morning. Who needs a morning coffee when you can wake up to a bunch of Goddesses like that? Deliciousness. If that sounds as amazing to you as it does to me why haven’t you signed up for the Goddess Circle yet? Go onnnnnn!

I’ve also been dancing all over some amazing places on the internet inspired by Sara over at Soul Spackle. You have a little time left to enter her amazingly giant and packed-full-of-goodies Summer of Self Love give away. The grand prize is amazing. AMAZING. Go check it out and enter HERE, NOW!

That’s it for me today lovelies. I need to go rest and get over this horrid throat thing. What do you do when you need recovery? I’d love to hear what works for you.

During that post I came up with an idea to kick-start my process. I called it Jubbly Jive July because I like alliteration. And now I have to come up with the nitty-gritty and actually plan what I’m going to do. Uh-oh! Planning! Organisation! Eep!

So far I have a few activities that I’m going to do during the month to help me centre, balance and refocus. Here’s a bit of what I’ll be doing:

• I’m going to up my meditation, following some of the lovelies that I can access from Goddess Guidebook. Did you know you can become a Goddess Circle member and get access to ALL of Goddess Leonie’s wonderful meditations and classes and beautifulness? Well you can, and when you do you get to meet some truly inspirational folk and you’ll find a lovely, supporting, soft place to land. I’m not sure I’d have the Cojones to try Jubbly Jive July out without the amazingness that is the Goddess Circle watching my back for me.

• I’m going to be following Sara over at Soul Spackle while she does her Summer of Self-Love (even if it is Winter here!). You know how I said you’d meet some inspirational people over at Goddess Circle? Sara is one of those inspirations. Since the relaunch of Soul Spackle Sara has provided some really thought-provoking content and activities. We all need more self-love in our lives, so I’d recommend Soul Spackle to evvvveryone!

• I’m going to be journaling my little heart out. I used to journal and write fiction and poetry and create. This is something I miss and sorely need. By committing to some journaling practice I’m hoping to work through some of my issues and fears and turn them into something constructive.

• I’m going to try a few activities and read some stuff on depression. I’ll be talking about these activities and readings right here on my blog.

• I’m going to get back to activities that I love. You know, I haven’t baked bread in months? If I don’t bake it, we don’t eat it, as we don’t buy bread. I miss baking. I also miss my hoop. So I’m going to be committing myself to that again. To play in general, really.

• I’m going to focus a little more on gratitude and thoughtfulness. One thing about how depression affects me is that everything takes on this “poor me” tone, and it’s hard not to dwell on that. I want to challenge this viewpoint while I can. I have a lot to be grateful for. It’s time to focus on that.

So that’s some of the things I’ll be doing over Jubbly Jive July. I don’t want to make out like I know all the answers and have the most awesome plan, but at least I have something figured out that I think will work for me. And hey, it’s *something*. For me depression is like a big old weight that stops me from being who I want to be and doing what I want, and it’s a big deal (for me, in a personal way) to be doing this at all.

That’s all for me today about Jubbly Jive July. I’ll see you back here before the month ticks over.

So I could do my usual dance around all of the reasons I’ve been ignoring you, dear little blog. I could talk about being busy and study and blah blah blah. The only thing is, that would really only be half the truth. And I’m all about telling the painful, hard truth at the moment. The real reason I’ve been missing is the reason why I’ve also fallen behind in my studies, haven’t picked up a hoop for a proper play in over two months, have not been taking care of myself and have withdrawn from people around me. That reason is depression.

Depression. I have struggled with bouts of depression for almost as long as I can remember. Usually they are linked to events or my family or something like that. This time is somewhat different though. This time it has kind of blind-sighted me. There were a few small trigger events, but the delayed, strong reaction seems out of whack with the triggers. If I was to stab at a guess at what’s going on, I think I have some issues that I haven’t dealt with properly that have been brought up and set me up for this reaction. I also ignored all my own warning signs for a good while too. Then one day I found myself actively thinking about hurting myself and little alarm bells started ringing. It was time to wake up and smell the coffee.

I’m trying damn hard to do this in a constructive way this time. I have told my partner, teachers and friends that I have seen lately. I told my lovely Goddess Circle Sisters. And now I’m telling you dear blog. I am also seeking appropriate help from a counsellor as soon as I can get in to see my doctor. I am challenging myself to do things to help me get out of this pit. But it’s hard. I have such a low opinion of myself at these times that it scares me. I just can’t see any of the things that other people tell me they can see in me.

So I’m setting myself a challenge. Lets call it Self-love July. No lets not call it that, the lack of alliteration or other poetic devises just doesn’t cut it for me…. Lets call it Jubbly Jive July. Yeah. Lets call it that. Over Jubbly Jive July I’m going to make myself get through this depression in a constructive way. And I’m going to do it by actively seeking self-love and acceptance. And by blogging all about it. Generally I’ll just be gas-bagging about it all. I’m going to tell you all about people who inspire me and I’m going to do the things I love regardless of how poo I feel and how little motivation I have.

So. There you have it. I just created a thing. An alliterated event at that. I love alliteration. The best thing is that I just created inspiration for myself at a time I didn’t have much at all. I have a week to get ready for Jubbly Jive July. Might you care to join me?

Also, before I go, check this out! A wonderful Goddess and general all-round-awesome-person has created a website that I am super-dooper excited about. Sara has just relaunched her Soul Spackle website and I can’t help but feel like it’s meant just for me (but luckily it’s totally for you too!). This is healing and energy I need so much right now. Also, I’d love to be like Sara when I grow up. Just sayin’. Sara is having the most wonderful celebration for the relaunch with some AMAZING prizes donated from uber-goddesses-and-lovelies from around the world. If I were you, I’d be all over that. Go see! Quick!

And as for you, dear blog, I shall see you again before we kick off Jubbly Jive July. Yeah!

So what’s been happening since I have been gone I hear you ask (wishful hearing perhaps?). Well school has started and I’m back learning again. This year I’m doing the Diploma of Remedial Massage and it’s been pretty interesting, though also a little intimidating. I’ve got me some learning to do! This is a graded course, as opposed to last year, and I’d love to pass with a distinction average which is the highest grade possible.

Things in the garden are starting to slow down. We’re currently harvesting a lot of the plants from summer; tomatoes, zucchini, squash, cucumber. We have HEAPS of chillies and will be making a big lot of chilli sauce soon and we’re thinking of trying to make some Tabasco sauce with our new Tabasco chillies, the latest in our chilli acquisitions. We’re now starting to get autumn and winter plants ready to go into the garden.

We’re also finally going to start making some changes in our house! We’ve bought some painting supplies and picked a colour. We’re also making plans to build a front fence and start working in earnest on the front garden, which is a little neglected. We’ve spent so much time on the vegetable garden, but now it is time to spend some time on the pretty spaces around us. We’re planning on planting lots of plants that attract birds and beneficial insects. It’s going to be an exciting time!

Well, I shall leave it there for a little while. I hope I can be back here soon! Once a week again I hope! Until then, enjoy some recent photos from my garden.

This song is called Ocean, and John performed it as a prayer of support for all of those people affected by the Queensland floods. Please keep them in your thoughts while listening, and perhaps you’d like to pop over to the Premier’s Disaster Relief Appeal and make a donation when you’re done.

One of the ways that I’m hoping to work through these issues is by participating in The Happiness Project. The happiness project will be setting monthly themes and asking questions that will help me think about these things. This month, the theme is naturally resolutions and this week Gretchen asked us about accountability. How will we hold ourselves accountable and stick to our resolutions?

For me, just writing this blog now is a step towards accountability. I am trying this year to be open about this process; in the past I may have kept such a project to myself. I’m asking my friends who read here to come back, comment and ask about my little project outside of my blog. I’m giving full permission to them to hold me accountable!

I’m also working through the ever-luscious and rainbow filled 2011 Goddess Guidebook planner by the amazingly wonderful Leonie Allan, which is helping me set both little and big goals. I’m feeling a lot better about the process having a concrete plan in place. I’m also a member of the Goddess Circle which is proving to be a wonderful, support-filled space where I can share my goals and have hundreds of women covering my back for me, so to speak.

I’ve told all my big goals and some of my little ones to my partner. Even when I think he’ll think I’m silly. That’s something I’m working on this year; to leave behind other’s judgements and concern myself with what feels right for me, right now. He is asking the right questions and even offering suggestions, which feels validating.

All in all, this is the year where I’m going to be accountable to myself. I know already where I might fail and where I need work. Procrastination is my own worst enemy and I know it. This year, I’m not accepting any excuses. I will get it done!

So there we are. I have a plan in place. I have support from many sources. All that is left now is to go forth and achieve my resolutions!

The first year we lived in this house we noticed a large field that had a sign up declaring it to be a wild flower area that wouldn’t get mowed. I was pretty excited about the whole thing and waited for spring to roll around. However my excitement was quickly diminished as someone from the local council (the new guy, perhaps) mowed the field for the entire wild flower season. I pretty much forgot about the whole thing until this spring when I realised the mowing madness had finally come to an end.

And it seems it was worth my wait. This season the field is filled with wild flowers and native grasses. In fact, I have never seen so many different types of wild flower and it’s got me onto wanting to find out more about them. These are my favourite photos from my wild flower walk; some I have managed to identify and others I’ll have to find out about. Can anyone else feel a new hobby coming on?

This one above is a Sticky Everlasting Daisy; which is an apt name as they’re so tough! Their leaves feel like tough paper.

I *think* above may be a Vanilla Lily. I’m hoping to get some confirmation on that one when I next see one of my teachers at TAFE who is very knowledgeable about this kind of thing.

The flowers were so amazingly beautiful and there were more varieties and colour than I could have imagined. It is certainly wonderful to live near such a vibrant collection of native plants. I can’t wait to find out more about them. They have also made me look closer at the places around me for the small or hidden beauty that surrounds us everywhere.

Really this post is just so I won’t have a blog post from mid-last-year at the top of my page. I’m currently doing a little behind-the-scene-tweaking for a while before being here EVERY WEEK (capitalised for self-emphasis!). I’ll be joining in the WordPress Post a Week Challenge and have also got plans for some other weekly posts, like a series about my commitment to the 2011 Happiness Project.

I’ll see you soon, my little blogface, soon.