Digging Deep

I have been here before.

The slide into depression is a familiar one. When I think about it, depression is more constant than most things in my life. It seems that it is always ready to sneak up and take over every aspect of my life.

I have been here before.

Even on this blog I have documented attempts to deal with my depression in more constructive ways. I have learnt to tell people when I think it is getting bad. I have tried distraction techniques and challenged myself to keep getting out there, keep on keeping on. It goes away for awhile, or I just don’t notice it as much. But give me a time of stress or illness and it’s there, waiting to get it’s hooks in. I never completely get away from it and I never completely get over the hurtful, harmful things my brain manages to do to itself.

I have been here before. But I haven’t done this before.

This time, my depression snuck up and got me while there were issues going on in our home. That part of the story is not mine to tell, so I will say this instead. Depression stops me from giving the care that I would like to give. Care for others that is not based on some deep-ingrained desire to rescue others while I drown in a sea of self depreciation. Care that nourishes both myself and those I care for. Depression, and the life-long lies my brain has been able to maintain, has put me into a role where I ultimately see myself as rescuer. When I can’t rescue people (and who can, when a person has cast themselves into a role they don’t want to be rescued from?) I become a victim of my own desire to be their hero. I blame myself for not being able to help them and I don’t see myself as being worthy of help. I then lash out. Blaming the other, putting myself down, thinking that if I can’t help them or myself then there is obviously something wrong with me. This, I have learnt, is called the drama triangle or victim triangle. I am in this triangle with myself and others. My family, my friends, my own loops that play over and over inside my brain, they all fit onto the triangle. If you’d like to know more about the drama/victim triangle and how it might be playing out in your life, I recommend going here and reading about it.

I have been here before. But I haven’t done this before.

This time, I acted. I went to the doctor who referred me to a psychologist and prescribed anti-depressants. The anti-depressants haven’t worked out for me. They affected my sleeping to such a degree that almost a week after weaning off them I am still not sleeping, and hell, I have always slept well. But the psychologist, wow. Onto a winner with this one. There has been a certain liberating feeling associated with seeing her. It is hard. Really hard. But I have a plan of action that makes me feel less guilty about, well, everything. I have come to understand how my childhood home and things that have happened since then created core beliefs in myself that I was never going to be able to defeat on my own. The rational part of my brain is getting stronger every day. It fights off the bit that tells me I’m no good. I am good. I can love and approve of myself, even if I am depressed. Even if bad things happen. Because they will- that’s life. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am giving myself a path out of depression. One that gives me tools to help change the way my brain works.

I have been here before. But I haven’t done this before.

And it feels good. It feels constructive. It feels like I am digging deep into the well of myself and that for once, I might just be the hero in my own story.

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3 thoughts on “Digging Deep

  1. A good psych can do wonders, especially when you are ready for the work. Sometimes it takes trial and error to find medications that work for you, if it’s the route you wish to take. If not, fantastic friends, good support, sleep!, good food, and exercise will be a great help. ❤

    • Thanks very much Alishaa. I have found this psych to be wonderful- she has an interest in spirit that really appeals to me and she is very kind in her approach. What amazes me is my partner who is also seeing her clicks just as well with her as I do, which is pretty amazing as he is very practical. She is a very adaptable person I think. I have been practising self care in a more dedicated way too, and spending a lot more time getting out there and being social. I feel a lot better about where I am headed, even though it is very, very hard.

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